You would expect someone who just found out they were pregnant after a recent loss to be overjoyed, right? I would have thought so too. Except… that’s just not how I felt.
OK… so rewind a few steps. The last few weeks have been fairly hectic for us. We have been to India and back, to Melbourne and the Whitsundays on “holiday”, we launched our new website, and, oh yeah, we made a baby too!
So, it’s safe to say it’s been a fairly crazy few weeks!
Towards the end of our “holiday” (I say this with inverted comma’s because I’m not sure any small business owner knows what a holiday actually is… it’s really just going away and doing a few fun things in another place… while you keep on working), anyway, while we were away I started getting an inkling I was pregnant.
You might think this sounds silly, but a few days before finding out for sure, I noticed my stomach looked and felt different… the way it looked and felt last time I was pregnant (slightly swollen and firm to touch). Anyone else would probably think I was imagining it (and it’s not the first time I’ve had phantom-pregnancy symptoms), so I didn’t bother saying anything.
A couple of days later, I started feeling a bit off. That was the same day we launched the website, so I thought that I was just so excited and nervous about the launch that the anxiety of it all was making me feel ill!
I put a bottle of champagne in the fridge ready to celebrate, but felt so sick I didn’t think I could bring myself to enjoy it properly. So, instead, I resolved to get a good night’s sleep and drifted off with happy thoughts of popping celebratory champagne the following evening.
The next morning, I thought maaaaayyybbbe I should do a pregnancy test… just to be on the safe side before polishing off some of that champagne. And what do you know!? The test was positive.
This is the point where you would think I’d start crying happy tears. But… I didn’t… do… anything. I just felt kind of… complacent. Almost as if I was trying to hard not to care about the situation, just in case it didn’t work out.
Luckily, I had some time to myself that morning. I’m naturally an early riser, so I had an hour or so to let it all sink in before Sam got up. During that time, I just plugged away at my laptop, trying to keep distracted, willing myself to be happy, but all in all just feeling fairly numb.
Then I heard Sam get up and start bustling around the house. Next minute, I see him head outside and start tinkling with the sprinklers. I was pretty busy with the website, so decided I would just wait for him to come back in before sharing the news.
EVENTUALLY, he came back into the house, said good morning, and started giving me the latest update on the new retic he had set up and the old retic he had been fixing (married life, thrilling stuff!!) Anyway, once I thought he’d finished telling me all about this, I said “I had a positive test this morning”.
His response? Looks at me quizzically and asks “How many new subscribers on the website?”
See what I mean? TOTAL anti-climax. To which I respond “UM… did you hear what I said?”
His response? “No, I wasn’t listening”
Eventually, we’re laughing about this silly miscommunication, and over-all we’re both feeling quite happy at the prospect of maybe-being-parents-again.
Then, Sam asks me how I’m feeling about sharing the news. We both agree that it’s our news, and if we want to share it, well, that’s our prerogative. We obviously know that it might not work out, and that we’re probably going to have to deal with the judgement issue from people all over again, but we agree that if we don’t have a problem with it, then other people shouldn’t either, and we’re certainly not prepared to take on board the attitudes of others just because they disagree with us.
So, for a couple of hours I was feeling pretty good! I called our parents and sister to share the good news. Everyone was very, very excited and feeling positive!
I did a little bit more work, and then decided I should tidy up the house, make the bed, get dressed, do the dishes… all that usual house-hold type stuff. Then… I don’t know what came over me.
One minute I was OK, and the next I had my hands elbow deep in soap suds, sobbing away about… I’m not sure what. Perhaps a combination of things? What if this doesn’t work out? What if people are judgemental like last time (sure, I can act like it doesn’t bother me, but the thing is, I just can’t understand why people find it so difficult to be nice about it), What if it DOES work out? Am I upset because I’m happy, scared or sad? I really don’t know!
Anyway, since then… I’ve been “kind of” OK. When Sam’s around, I find we can laugh and joke together and I feel pretty good about it all!
Then there’s other times (like when I went to the gym and for some reason spent the whole work out trying not to cry as I peddled away at RPM). Then, a few hours later, I could laugh about it, thinking about how I must have looked to the other riders… hoping they just thought it was the toughest work out ever almost bringing me to tears… LOL
I also feel very fortunate to have an extremely attentive and thorough OB. He called me as soon as he got my blood test results (it was literally the next working day after I had the test done) to confirm the pregnancy and was very caring and patient in explaining the next steps.
The next thing I need to do is take another blood test next week (I’m guessing to confirm the hormone levels are rising…) and now I’m just trying not to feel nervous as hell about the result.
I don’t know that there’s really much I can do, other than take each day as it comes…
If you’ve been in this situation before I would love to hear your thoughts. If you’re not keen to talk about it… I can completely understand that too. Alternatively, if you have some words of wisdom to share, feel free to do that too!
Until next time 😉