The 13th of March.
It’s a date that’s fairly well stuck in my mind. When I first found out I was pregnant, I did a quick calculation and worked out that would be my baby’s due date.
I went to see my GP pretty soon after finding out, and she did a quick calculation and determined the same date.
A few weeks later, I went for my first ultrasound. The lady did a few measurements, pointed out the heartbeat and came up with the same estimated due date.
I found myself having to repeat it quite a few times after that.
So, it became a date I couldn’t really forget.
I remember saying to a few people at the time “Man, I really I hope this baby doesn’t come on my Birthday, that would be inconvenient”.
Seems like a really stupid thing to say (or even think about) now.
I’ve heard a few people say that when you have a miscarriage, once you have gotten passed the due date, things start to get a little easier. You feel like you can finally “move on”.
Others talk about how they can’t help but think “I should have had my baby today”.
Personally, I try not to think about it at all.
I tried pretty hard not to think about it, but then I found myself writing this post, so obviously, I thought about it more than I thought.
My general philosophy is not to be too concerned about what “might have been” and just focus on “what is”.
In my mind, there is no “should have” or “could have” there are just the facts, and the fact was, there wasn’t going to be a baby arriving on March 13.
It’s interesting, because I talk about how March 13 is so ingrained in my brain.
Yet I’ve had another miscarriage since then, and I cannot, for the life of me, think what the estimated due date was for the second baby.
I don’t know why.
It’s not that I don’t care, it’s not that the first baby was more important that the second, it’s not that I’m trying to forget it, it’s… I’m not sure what.
But for some reason, this first date is stuck in my mind and I’m not sure I will be able to forget it.
I don’t think I want to either.
Maybe it’s just that the first one has such an impact on you, and then after that, you get a little less attached and slightly more removed emotionally from the situation.
That’s kind of how I feel now.
Whatever will be will be, there’s not all that much I can do about it, and I’m OK with that.
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